Sneak Preview of the Repbulican Debate

Names are hidden to protect the clueless, but here's a little bit of what we'll see this week...

Moderator: We went over our rules. Each of you will have 30 seconds and we'll allow a 15-second rebuttal from a second candidate. Question number one is for you, Candidate 1, the American presence in Iraq has lasted longer than World War II, we're on our third surge in a little more than a year to increas troop levels again, attacks against Americans are up, American casualties are up, Iraqi casualties are up... if you were president right now, what would you do?

Candiadate 1: We need to stay the course. We haven't given this latest surge enough time. Six months should do it.

Moderator: But in each of the previous surges, they were also accompanied by a six-month time estimate, and in each the situation worsened. Isn't six months really just an arbitrary time period in order to give the public enough time to forget the previous misstep?

Candidate 1: Obviously you're not paying attention to the new history. That's the old history you're talking about. The new history is that we're doing better every day. Just ask General Petraeus.

Moderator: Speaking of General Petraeus, Candidate Two, he said this week, "The level of horrific attacks like the one that killed nine US soldiers at a patrol base in Diyala province April 23 is still too high." What is the level of horrific attacks that is acceptable?

Candidate 2: Off the top of my head, I would say a level that kills fewer than nine Americans at a time. Of course, I don't want to go out on a limb and put words in the general's mouth. It's really all the democrats fault for trying to give soldiers money the wrong way.

Moderator: Doesn't the Iraq Accountability Act actually give more money than what the republicans are asking for by additionally funding hospitalization for soldiers and veterans?

Candidate 2: That's just a slick trick to pretend they support the troops. We know how to support the troops - by not pampering them with things like health care or body armor. We're already catering their meals through private contractors. Isn't that enough? Next they'll be wanting armored vehicles and night vision goggles, too.

Moderator: The sticking point with the democratic funding bill is that the president doesn't want any deadline to leave Iraq. What incentive will Iraq have to take over control of their own country if they have no deadline?

Candidate 3: You can't just give them a date for our withdrawal or else they'll simply wait and stop the attacks until we leave. Is that what you want - peace in the country for several months while Iraq brings their own people together?

Moderator: Candidate 4, Iraq has put the American economy into the worst national debt of any country in the history of Planet Earth. What will...

Candidate 4: What's with all these questions about Iraq? Don't you want to ask me about flag burning or the proper ways to hate gays and minorities, you know, our special areas of expertise?

Candidate 1: You don't hate gays nearly as much as I do.

Candidate 4: Are you kidding? I've been hating gays since before you were born. I hate them more than you and Candidate 2 combined.

Candidate 2: Well, you may have a great record on hating gays, but I'm really big on hating Mexicans. What have you done to hate the Mexicans?

Moderator: Could we please have some order?

Candidate 1: My record is very solid in hating Mexicans. Blacks, too!

Candidate 3: You love the blacks compared to me. In fact, I not only hate the Mexicans and the blacks, but I led the fight against women.

Moderator: Please, everyone, this isn't a free for all...

Candidate 2: You know, there's nothing quite as much fun as denying rights to women.

Candidate 1: That's true.

Moderator: Please calm down everyone, I have another question...

Candidate 4: Except, of course, for denying science.

Candidate 3: That goes without saying. If you have to deny anything, it's science. Unless by "science" you're talking about using taxpayer money to pay full price to pharmaceutical companies for old people's drugs. Old people - that's another group we're pampering too much.

Moderator: All right, Candidate 4, I'll change topics. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said 72 times to Congress that he didn't remember anything having to do with directing the Department of Justice to act without justice for all, but rather to direct attacks against democrats and show favoritism to republicans and their elections. Isn't that odd that he would have such a blank mind even forgetting meeting with the president?

Candidate 4: Certainly not. I've had many forgettable meetings with the president myself.

Take me to my leader?

Bubba had fallen asleep with his fishing pole still in his hand on that quiet Georgia summer night. Suddenyl a bright light accompanied by a nearly quiet "soosh" from above awakened him.

Frozen with fear, Bubba watched as a hatched opened and a little green man appeared. "Ooszw xra kame Oif. Lu tapp endorge, oaa?" the alien asked before turning a switch on his belt.

"Wait, now that should be better," the alien said after turning on his universal translater. "I am Oif. I'm a scout who has come from far away to explore your world and maybe see if I help you sort through some problems."

"I'm Bubba," he responded.

"Bubba, take me to your leader."

Bubba thought for a minute. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Well, who's the head of this planet?"

"Lots of people control different parts of our world."

"Who controls the most?" Oif asked.

"That would be China," Bubba said. They have the most people and they control most of our money, but they're not as active around the world as this country, the United States, is."

"Then who leads the United States?" Oif asked.

"That would be President George W. Bush. He's the one we put in office."

"Then take me to this George W. Bush. I need to speak with someone who knows all the issues facing your planet," Oif said.

"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Bush isn't your best choice. His Vice-President, Dick Cheney, probably knows a bit more about such things."

"Very well," the alien said, "then take me to Dick Cheney. I need to speak to someone who leads, has great knowledge, and has a good heart for the people of this world."

"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Cheney isn't your best choice. He's not known for being the most kind-hearted person around."

"Who's in charge of policing this place?" Oif asked. "Perhaps that is the person who I need to seek out."

"That would be Attorney General Alberto Gonzales," Bubba said. "He's the nation's leading law enforcement officer. He would know good people from bad people."

"Good, then let's see this Alberto Gonzales person," the alien responded. "I need to speak to someone who leads, has great knowledge, has a good heart for the people of this world, and can treat all people without favoritism. I am here, after all, to help all people of your world."

"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Gonzales isn't your best choice. He only favors certain people - the ones who support Bush and Cheney and Rove."

"Rove?" Oif asked. "Is Rove the human who leads, has great knowledge, and has a good heart for the people of this world, and can treat all people without favoritism?"

"Uhhhh, noooooo, I don't think Rove quite fits that description," Bubba said.

Then, like a flash, it came to the Georgia fisherman. "I think you should speak to Al Gore. He actually had more people vote for him than Mr. Bush."

"Does Al Gore have great knowledge?" Oif asked.

"Oh yes. He's one of our leading experts on the condition of this planet."

"Does Al Gore have a good heart for the people of this world?" asked the alien?

"I think he cares about all life on this planet."

"Does Al Gore treat all people without favoritism?" asked the little green man.

"I don't think it matters to him where people live as long as he can preserve human life."

"And he had more people supporting him than the others?" asked a now very confused alien.

"Yes," Bubba said, "but our top judges selected Mr. Bush instead."

"If you're so unintelligent as to do that to yourselves I don't think this is a place civilized enough to warrant my help," the alien said. He quickly stepped back into his ship and sped away like a dot into the night.

Bubba watched the spaceship disappear into the night sky and said to himself, "If he needed things to change right away, maybe I should have just told him to see Nancy Pelosi. She's good at that."

Take Bush up on his offer

Ever the pursuer of compromise, I have come up with a solution that will satisfy the conditions set forth by President Bush for Karl Rove and Harriet Miers to testify before Congress, and still allow Congress to determine what input these two administration officials and other White House staff members had regarding questions surrounding the 2007 Department of Justice Attorney purge.

To review, President Bush’s conditions for the interviews of White House officials are as follows:
1) No subpoenas may be issued to testify before Congress.
2) No interviews may be conducted in public.
3) No recordings or transcripts may be kept of the interviews.
4) Interviewees are not be sworn in to tell the truth.

Not only should Congress accept these conditions, they should leap at the opportunity to follow the president’s request to the letter. They may never again get such a blind acceptance of pursuing these interviews in a manner consistent with the administration’s already accepted principles of justice.

How? It’s very simple.

Karl Rove, Harriet Miers, and, especially, Alberto Gonzales should be interviewed at Guantanamo Bay under the direction of interviewers at that facility in conditions that have already been determined by this administration and, especially, Alberto Gonzales, to be proper under United States and international law.

As Attorney General, the nation’s chief law enforcement official, Alberto Gonzales has already written memos outlining the unique advantages of having such a facility and practices in place at Guantanamo Bay. Harriet Miers, the president’s personal legal advisor, has also given her blessing (isn’t that a wonderful word?) to these types of procedures.

Note that the president has given no restraints on the location of these interviews. Nor has he specified the amount of time over which the questioning can take place.

As for the presumed innocence of those being interviewed, well, that hardly matters.

Most of the interviewees at Guantanamo Bay have been released after being interviewed over a period of time because it was determined they, too, were not guilty of wrongdoing. That certainly didn’t stop officials at the facility from engaging in – shall we say – rather extensive interviews.

Having the interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay also gives interviewers the opportunity to determine guilt without the necessity for trials, lawyers, and such.

The president has clearly shown a disdain for allowing his administration’s officials from participating in these types of legal workups. Surely the president can appreciate avoiding such messy and public displays of what some in opposition to the president might call “the rule of law.”

And suppose the interviewers at Guantanamo Bay determine guilt by one or more of the parties being interviewed. We can eliminate yet another step of traditional legal activities known as “sentencing hearings.”

No, it’s one-stop shopping for these participants.

As for appeals, well, that would involve lawyers, which we have already determined to be an unnecessary and distasteful component to such matters.

You may be wondering about Due Process, which is a right guaranteed by the United States Constitution in the 5th and 14th Amendments. Due Process is our method of guaranteeing certain procedures that must be followed to ensure fairness for the accused we presume to be innocent.

Of course, Alberto Gonzales, with the blessing (there’s that wonderful word again) of Harriet Miers, has already determined that the United States Constitution isn’t in effect in Guantanamo Bay.

In fact, Alberto Gonzales has previously determined that much of the United States Constitution isn’t in effect in the United States, either. Did you know that the United States Constitution does not guarantee the right of habeas corpus, which is the alleged right to know what an accused person has been charged with in criminal court? Gonzales’ opinions are so perceptive as to outweigh the forefathers of America as well as the history of Western Civilization dating back to the Magna Carta in 1215.

So you see, having these interviews in Guantanamo Bay is COMPLETELY within the bounds of United States law and the president's infallible political philosophy. We should all thank the president for setting guidelines that allow us the opportunity to properly interview these witnesses under conditions the interviewees have already graciously agreed to.