Bubba had fallen asleep with his fishing pole still in his hand on that quiet Georgia summer night. Suddenyl a bright light accompanied by a nearly quiet "soosh" from above awakened him.
Frozen with fear, Bubba watched as a hatched opened and a little green man appeared. "Ooszw xra kame Oif. Lu tapp endorge, oaa?" the alien asked before turning a switch on his belt.
"Wait, now that should be better," the alien said after turning on his universal translater. "I am Oif. I'm a scout who has come from far away to explore your world and maybe see if I help you sort through some problems."
"I'm Bubba," he responded.
"Bubba, take me to your leader."
Bubba thought for a minute. "I'm not sure what you mean."
"Well, who's the head of this planet?"
"Lots of people control different parts of our world."
"Who controls the most?" Oif asked.
"That would be China," Bubba said. They have the most people and they control most of our money, but they're not as active around the world as this country, the United States, is."
"Then who leads the United States?" Oif asked.
"That would be President George W. Bush. He's the one we put in office."
"Then take me to this George W. Bush. I need to speak with someone who knows all the issues facing your planet," Oif said.
"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Bush isn't your best choice. His Vice-President, Dick Cheney, probably knows a bit more about such things."
"Very well," the alien said, "then take me to Dick Cheney. I need to speak to someone who leads, has great knowledge, and has a good heart for the people of this world."
"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Cheney isn't your best choice. He's not known for being the most kind-hearted person around."
"Who's in charge of policing this place?" Oif asked. "Perhaps that is the person who I need to seek out."
"That would be Attorney General Alberto Gonzales," Bubba said. "He's the nation's leading law enforcement officer. He would know good people from bad people."
"Good, then let's see this Alberto Gonzales person," the alien responded. "I need to speak to someone who leads, has great knowledge, has a good heart for the people of this world, and can treat all people without favoritism. I am here, after all, to help all people of your world."
"Uhhhh, maybe Mr. Gonzales isn't your best choice. He only favors certain people - the ones who support Bush and Cheney and Rove."
"Rove?" Oif asked. "Is Rove the human who leads, has great knowledge, and has a good heart for the people of this world, and can treat all people without favoritism?"
"Uhhhh, noooooo, I don't think Rove quite fits that description," Bubba said.
Then, like a flash, it came to the Georgia fisherman. "I think you should speak to Al Gore. He actually had more people vote for him than Mr. Bush."
"Does Al Gore have great knowledge?" Oif asked.
"Oh yes. He's one of our leading experts on the condition of this planet."
"Does Al Gore have a good heart for the people of this world?" asked the alien?
"I think he cares about all life on this planet."
"Does Al Gore treat all people without favoritism?" asked the little green man.
"I don't think it matters to him where people live as long as he can preserve human life."
"And he had more people supporting him than the others?" asked a now very confused alien.
"Yes," Bubba said, "but our top judges selected Mr. Bush instead."
"If you're so unintelligent as to do that to yourselves I don't think this is a place civilized enough to warrant my help," the alien said. He quickly stepped back into his ship and sped away like a dot into the night.
Bubba watched the spaceship disappear into the night sky and said to himself, "If he needed things to change right away, maybe I should have just told him to see Nancy Pelosi. She's good at that."